An Interview with Robert H. Simmons, Ph.D.
author
Beyond Romance, Making Love Last

1. Let's start with the title of your book: Beyond Romance: Making Love Last. With so many couples looking for romance, and so many books written to help them find and keep it, why would you write a book that asks people to look beyond romance?

Romance, delightful and desirable though it might be, is deceiving. And it doesn't last. When the first blush of romance begins to tarnish–as it always does–couples can easily be convinced that their relationship is doomed. What my book asks them to do is not to abandon romance, but rather to look beyond it so that they'll stick around long enough to cultivate a conscious, intentional love that will sustain them even when romance appears to have departed.

2. Who would you say this book has been written for? Who should buy your book?

I wrote my book Beyond Romance for any couple–new or old, married or not, straight or gay–who wants more from their relationship. I wrote it for those who know they're in trouble, and for those who are doing okay, but want to enrich their marriage or their relationship. I also wrote it for singles who want to know themselves better, thereby increasing their chances of having a more satisfying, lasting relationship when it comes along. It was written for couples about couples, but singles will benefit from it too.

3. You've been guiding couples through difficult times for many years. What prompted you to write this book now?

The couples I've worked with have taught me a great deal. They've shown me that the concepts contained in my book Beyond Romance and the exercises I've given them work. Even the couples who end up divorcing do so with an awareness about themselves they would not have had otherwise. My techniques and concepts are revolutionary. Though drawn from a variety of therapeutic sources, they really are unique and have been road–tested. I wanted to find a way to share these ideas with a broader audience and my book Beyond Romance is the answer.

4. Tell me a little about these new concepts. What makes this book different from the other couples' books on the shelves these days?

One of the most important concepts I use is something I call the Inner Family Theater. The stage is our childhood home; the players are our parents or whoever did the primary caretaking of us such as an aunt or grandparent, along with our siblings; the script is derived from the solutions we used to solve the existential problems of our childhood. When trouble brews in a coupled relationship, it's almost always because of dynamic interplay of the partners' Inner Family Theaters. We are all loyal to the pain of our past and we bring these patterns to our current repetitive conflicts with our partner.

5. I've noticed the book is divided into three sections. Can you tell me a little about each of them and why you chose to present it this way?

In the first section, "The Arduous Journey," I wanted to be sure that readers understood the concept of romance and the various stages that all relationships pass through. Ten romantic myths and Ten marital realities are also discussed so that people can see the futility of unrealistic expectations and begin the work they need to do to create a lasting, rewarding, intentional marriage or relationship. I introduce the Inner Family Theater and ask for a commitment.

In section two, "The Conscious Relationship," I explore the ideas of intention and commitment more fully; we learn to recognize that in a partnership there are really three entities: you, me, AND the relationship. And we explore another key concept, which I call the Marital Melodrama.

In the third and final part, "True Love's Rewards," I delve more deeply into the concepts of sensuality, tenderness, perseverance, transcendence, and true intimacy. This is the section where readers are asked to put into practice what they've learned.

6. And just how do you make sure they do that?

Each chapter is followed by an exercise I call an endeavor. The responses within each endeavor are both verbal and written, some alone and some with your partner. They have been carefully designed and road–tested to illustrate and bring home the ideas discussed in the chapter. It's all very well to understand this stuff in your head, but these endeavors show couples how they really can change the destructive patterns that cause much unhappiness in all relationships. The endeavors are the real work of my book Beyond Romance –the catalyst for creating a truly caring, compassionate and rewarding marriage or relationship.

7. Your book opens with a discussion of the ten Romantic Illusions that couples fall prey to. What would you say is the most common of those?

Pop culture is congested with this idea of soulmates. There's even a website that promises to find yours. So I'd have to say #3: The All–Knowing Partner. Too many people really believe there's a one–and–only person out there, someone who is so magically right for them and who is capable of understanding how they feel, what they are thinking and what they need–with no effort. It's such a dangerous belief because it sets us up for disappointment, frustration and bitterness.

8. You tell us that all relationships evolve and grow through five distinct stages. Would you tell us what they are and describe them briefly?

I'll try. In my book Beyond Romance the first stage is Romance. This is where it all startsÉwith both people entranced by each other, and obsessed with bedazzling one another. The relationship is driven by hopes and hormones; differences are denied and blindness prevails. This stage has a short shelf–life.

Stage Two is called The Politics of Love and is characterized by disillusionment. Reality sets in, personal needs are asserted, and power struggles emerge.

Stage Three I call Disintegration. It's usually triggered by some major event. This is the stage where one partner is no longer willing to live by the unspoken contracts and truces reached in Stage Two, The Politics of Love. Stage Three is characterized by what I call the ADB Game; Attack, Defend and Blame Games. It is also characterized by accusations, denial and simmering unresolved conflict. This is the stage where some couples consider divorce. But there is a chance for growth and gain. In this stage, the great opportunity is to take responsibility for one's own emotional health and work through the crisis.

Stage Four is Rapprochement, which means coming together and forgiving. This is where self–knowledge, understanding, forgiveness and reconciliation take place.

And Stage Five is where we'd all like to be: Devoted Love. This is where partners put into practice what they've learned. It's the stage where compassion and care, responsibility and respect reign supreme. It's where each person consciously renews his or her decision to love and cherish the other––every day.

9. What about people who just don't buy all this Inner Family Theater stuff?

That's a good question. Throughout my book, I use true life examples of real couples to illustrate the various stages of a relationship, how the Inner Family Theater comes into play, and feeds the destructiveness of the Marital Melodrama. These are real people whose names have been changed for obvious reasons, but whose experiences provide unquestionable evidence that these ideas work.

10. Okay, I'll bite. What's the Marital Melodrama?

Well, when you've got two Inner Family Theaters –– the players and the cues from our childhoods run the show in a marriage or relationship and the outcome is the Marital Melodrama. Projection is when the parents and siblings of our childhood are projected onto our partner. Each partner unconsciously triggers the other's childhood wounds and shame, anger, guilt and fear rule and our partner reacts from his or her own set of Inner Family Theater players. So what we are watching is ancient history and habitual struggle... tit–for–tat. And neither partner knows what's happening. My book helps partners understand what is happening and stop the show from escalating in an honest and compassionate way.

11. What do you believe to be the key to a successful relationship? Would that be giving away too much of the book?

No, it wouldn't be giving too much away. The process of self–discovery takes commitment, time, patience and work. The recurring theme in the book is "the only relationship that works is one on which we work." The commitment to stay the course no matter what, will make the difference between a never–ending succession of doomed relationships and one that is rich and nourishing, creative and fun, loving and lasting.

12. What is the "meaning of real commitment?"

Commitment is like a container––it holds all the other elements of a successful relationship in it. When the dynamics of the relationship start to test the partners, it is the solid commitment that holds the partnership together while they struggle with the troublesome aspects of their relationship. When the Marital Melodrama is underway commitment sustains the trust each partner has that the other will do whatever it takes to work through this difficult time.

13. So what do you hope your book will accomplish?

I hope for those who read my book it will help dispel the myth that romance is the be–all–end–all of a successful marriage. I hope they will come to view romance as a fun and whimsical aspect of their lives, but also it's a pretty flimsy foundation for their relationship over the long haul. It's my sincerest hope that by reading my book and completing the endeavors, they will embrace the ideas of a conscious intentional choice, gain emotional literacy, understand commitment and bring compassion to one another so that they can learn to create the healthy, enduring and loving relationship they want and deserve.

14. What do you think of all these books that talk about the basic differences between men and women? How important do you think it is to understand gender–specific behavior?

Well, there's merit in understanding how men and women are socialized, even genetically wired. But for me, the far more important differences are those that occur in our families of origin. I've discovered it's been far more useful to help each person recognize the behaviors and reactions they established when they were kids and now make up their Inner Family Theater than to dwell too much on the man–woman thing.

15. Is there any sexual advice in your book?

Well, yes and no. No, this is not the Kama Sutra. There is no chapter on technique or positions. But yes, sexuality is very definitely addressed in a section on sensuality. What my book is concerned with is the importance of cultivating the art of sensuality from a devoted, conscious place. Because sensuality acknowledges the importance of sexuality in a way that requires deep mutual understanding and respect. Practiced with love and honesty, sex enhances companionship and affection, builds self–esteem and sets the stage for the emotional intimacy crucial to a healthy marriage or relationship.