Chapter One: The Illusion of Romantic Love

Why is it that the first sparks of romance promise so much and turns so quickly to ashes? Because it is an illusion! Because that first fiery encounter is an illusion! The glow of romance is that breathtaking enticement which lures us into seeking a mate. It provides extraordinary intensity, drama, sensory stimulation, excitement, fireworks, a high. We chase the illusory promise of romance because it is so heady, so appealing.

A shameless tease, romance promises much, but delivers little. Maintenance of romance is costly, requiring increasing amounts of emotional energy to retain the same euphoria. Guided by recklessness, romantic love takes its subjects for an exciting roller coaster ride. Romance burns bright, fast, hot - then it' s gone. And when romance and reality collide, as they eventually do, one of these opposite forces will come out the winner, one the loser. If the need for romance prevails, the relationship ends and one or both partners continue the forlorn search for the eternal romantic encounter. If reality wins, a couple successfully maneuvers the first and necessary phase of their lasting relationship.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, in Gifts from the Sea, compares this first phase of a relationship to the double sunrise shell: "Two flawless halves bound together with a single hinge, meeting each other at every point, the dawn of a new day spreading on each face. It is a world to itself." Morrow points out that this beautiful, fragile state of being is fleeting and must give way to growth and submit to change in the cycle of life. There is no holding of a relationship to a single form. While this original essence of a relationship is never lost, it becomes immersed in the realities of life.

Merle Shain observed in Courage My Love, "It' s odd that the highly perishable commodity, passionate love, with its limited shelf life, is thought to be a suitable foundation on which to hang the whole exhaustive structure of family and property and tradition, but we rarely question it."

In our eagerness to build a lifetime marriage on the transitory foundation of romance we soon found out that our ideal is flimsy, unreliable building material for the stable foundation needed to support a lasting, healthy relationship.

Some people seek a phantom sometimes known as a soulmate. In the throws of passionate romance, they feel that they have found their soulmates. The illusion of the soulmate is a childlike hope that a partner will be exactly as a person expects.

Unfortunately, these hidden hopes and expectations are soon dashed as reality sets in. The truth is that we want our partners to be the perfect parents we never had and to parent us with the unconditional love we deeply seek. When the partner a person has labeled a soulmate disappoints, when he or she turns out to be unable or unwilling to fulfill the fantasy and give the person what he or she seeks, disillusionment results and the couple finds their relationship in trouble without knowing why.

Peter and Rebecca, one couple I counseled, met in their twenties as workmates. They were attracted to each other and acknowledged a mutual crush but did nothing about it. Twenty years later, they met again and fell head over heels in love. On the surface, it was a heavenly match. Intelligent, well-educated, mature and stable, they found in each other a mutual sensuality and excitement that had been missing in previous relationships. They were open and honest with each other and delighted in spending hours together walking, hiking, talking and making love. It was, they both thought, the romance they'd always been seeking. They each began to think about marriage. However, eight months later, Peter announced he wanted to break the relationship up, stunning Rebecca and wounding them both. When she begged him to tell her why, Peter could only speak in vague generalities, saying things like "You're not the woman I thought you were," "You don' t really listen to me," and "We're just too different."

The mistake each partner made was the belief that the other would completely fulfill the image he or she wanted him or her to be. Their expectations were unrealistic. Peter fell in love with an vision of what he wanted Rebecca to be. When she fell short of that, Peter decided - without sharing his feelings with Rebecca first- to end the relationship. His hidden hopes for a paragon, an always kind, attentive, conservative, easy- going woman, were dashed when the reality of Rebecca' s humanness set in. He knew the relationship was in trouble, but he didn't know why, so he decided to end it. As we'll see later, Peter and Rebecca eventually reunited only to break up again–and again. Ultimately, they were not able to use the value of the romantic stage that began their relationship as a bridge to greater understanding.

In fact, romance can be a healthy catalyst, a bridge into the challenge of marriage. However, romance is transitory; alone it cannot sustain a relationship. Here is what Sam Keen, in Fire in the Belly, says about romance:

If you consider marriage a lifelong romance, you are certain to be disillusioned. The shallowest of complaints is that marriage destroys romance. Of course it does. Marriage is designed to allow two people to fall out of love and into reality.

True love is built on intimacy. Intimacy's real passion is only achieved by combining the five necessary elements for a mature relationship: friendship, compatibility, affection, commitment and sensuality. The key to true passion is not illusory romance, but intimacy. One of the goals of what we will call intentional love is to achieve this intimacy which, in turn, will ignite the passion sought and lost in the first stage of relationshipsÑthe romantic stage. When you and your partner accept that romance is only the beginning, you can achieve profound intimacy - true love' s reward.

A good and rewarding marriage can only be created with conscious awareness on the part of both partners. Two people who choose each other have the power and the ability to develop their relationship if they do so consciously and purposefully. When troubled, a committed relationship will not repair by hope alone, nor will neglect, denial, or avoidance gain the end each partner desires. It is the energy and commitment of the partners and a willing to work on their relationship that will make a marriage sound and joyful.

It is important to understand that marriages move through stages and it's vital that both partners understand and undertake the elements of their journey together. Such a commitment requires the development of both partnersÕ understanding of themselves and the other partner.

A successful marriage is one wherein the partners have learned to manage their strong feelings in a constructive manner, one that is satisfying, rewarding and sustaining, even amidst sorrow, tragedy and adversity. There are five distinct developmental stages in a marriage, each with its own set of definable characteristics, which we will explore in later chapters. The reason relationships experience trouble is that most couples traverse these stages blindly. In this book we will see how couples who attend these stages with thoughtful determination can create remarkable harmony. The creation of such harmony is an intentional choice. Couples who are unaware or unwilling to work through these stages can get stuck, forever frozen in an unhappy, disillusioned state.

Let me repeat, the keys to developing a conscious marriage are intention, choice and the willingness to become emotionally literate. Before people had words to convey them, our emotions were the very first language we used. As we developed words to describe them, we lost the ability to see clearly the connection between our emotions and how we behave. Emotions still drive our behavior, but because of the veil of language we are blinded and do not see our feelings clearly. Thus whenever our emotionally-driven behavior is challenged, as it may be in a partnership in which we do not see our needs met, we blame, defend or attack.

Partners must strive to look within and find emotional literacy, which means being alert to fears and angers; joys and sadness; grief, guilt, envy and shame, including how they are contained within and how they are expressed. It means developing a highly conscious knowledge of the link between the emotional life and behavior. Without this consciousness, we people are emotionally illiterate, enslaved by our own unconscious, knee - jerk reactions to emotions.

I can't promise that it will be easy for each partner to travel the road to emotional literacy. It may be rough and painful. But the rewards are a fuller, richer, happier life filled with a warm, honest and loving relationship. You must start with sincere intention and some basic truths.

First, let us look at the ten Romantic Illusions that undergird the false beliefs many people have about selecting a partner and create the set-up for illusory thinking about marriage. These often lead to disappointment, disillusionment, discontentment and loss. Paired with the Marital Realities that characterize the underpinnings of a healthy marriage, these self-delusions must be understood by each partner in order to develop a conscious, emotionally literate and successful marriage.

Table 1
ROMANTIC ILLUSIONS AND MARITAL REALITIES

Following this chapter are the first two endeavors. In the first endeavor, "Our Relationship-Illusions and Realities," you will each discover the ideas - true or false - you hold about your relationship and about marriage in general. In the endeavor "Do You See What I See?" you will uncover some remarkable discrepancies between what' s real and what you perceive is real. Complete both endeavors before moving on to Chapter 2. Your answers will form an important foundation for the challenges ahead.

The next two chapters deal with two important concepts that must be understood before we can begin to find our way back to the ideal of love. They are the concepts of developmental stages (both as individuals and as a couple) and the inner family theater.

As we begin to work together and clear away the illusion of romance, the chaos of disillusionment often takes its place. This may be a frightening place to be. But it is only a temporary phase. Let me reassure you, if you are willing to travel the road, the journey will provide a greater understanding of yourself, your partner and your marriage. You and your partner will achieve a far greater love - beyond romance.