Prologue

At a time when the disposable marriage has reached an all–time high (the divorce rate has tripled since the 1960s), many, many couples earnestly search for ways to avoid ending their marriages. More and more couples are exploring new alternatives for transforming unrewarding and unsatisfying relationships into fulfilling, intimate and lifelong partnerships. I believe society is witnessing the emergence of a surprising modern trend: In my experience couples are working harder than ever before to stay together.

When two people choose each other, a great opportunity is provided for a lifelong merging and integration of two individuals. In this act, they each commit to creating a connection, a mutual devotion, and a combination of energy that hopefully will offer great fulfillment and reward. When two people are attuned to each other, their movements, feelings and thoughts can diminish, and perhaps even eliminate, friction and separatism. Yet this cannot be achieved without difficult, dedicated work–both by the partners together and by each one individually. The hostile dance that characterizes much of the rancor between partners can only be stopped by working through the difficulties. When the individuals are willing and the work is undertaken and continued, each partner will feel connected, empowered and capable of creating a mature and lasting love.

This book is designed to help committed partners intentionally develop their relationships. One of the goals is to help partners who are thoroughly committed to each other become fully empowered companions who, separately and together, manage their anger, fear, joy and sadness in powerful, healing and rewarding ways. The exercises, guidelines and information in this book are designed to help partners use the struggle between themselves to develop insight, understanding and skills that will enhance their communication, enrich their intimacy and amplify their support for each other. Couples reading this book will come to understand that a relationship is a developmental journey–a journey they can take either consciously or unconsciously. The unconscious journey leads to disaster. The conscious one is challenging and exciting and leads to a mutually rewarding future.

Romance is a heady illusion that promises much, but when the inevitable disappointments set in after the honeymoon, reality often dissipates early passion of attraction. The fire of romance dies, the ashes turn cold and hearts turn to stone. The disappointments may be sad, bitter, angering and often bewildering, giving rise to wondering why, how? This book will focus on what happens when the illusion of romance crumbles and everyday routines and obligations take hold. The message centers upon the importance of intentional love in the achievement of a deep, meaningful and rewarding relationship. This intentional love then becomes the foundation for a profound and lasting love, sustained by commitment and rewarded by devotion, passion and joy.

Couples in long–term marriages who put conscious effort into the development of their marriages, my and other research and experience shows, become happier as their marriages age; the partners become more affectionate, more communicative, more considerate and more forgiving. Young love, romantic love, is like a flame–captivating, passionate and fierce; but it may also be hypnotic, ephemeral and delusional. It burns fast and bright and dies swiftly. The love of the committed heart is devoted, deep–burning, unquenchable. If it is to last, romantic love must be transformed into a profound, authentic and rewarding love–intentional love. When achieved, intentional love is devoted and mature–the true love of our hearts' desire.

To achieve this end, committed partners need to intentionally create the relationship they seek within their own marriage. When conflicts occur they must recognize and embrace them as opportunities for growth and change rather than discouraging moments of stress and disappointment. This book will teach couples how they may effectively transform controversy into mutual devotion and empowerment. If you and your partner embark upon it, the ultimate destination of your journey is mature love, an embodiment of commitment, friendship, compatibility, affection and sensuality. That journey begins with the acceptance that love is an intentional choice you make every day.