Endeavor: Our Relationship--Illusions and Realities

Overview

This first endeavor will help you enrich your marriage through greater understanding of yourself, your beliefs and your expectations. The guided dialogue is designed to reveal, in an emotionally safe way, the unconscious, undisclosed assumptions you've made. These unspoken ideas, beliefs and expectations may be impeding the healthy development of your relationship. Once revealed and identified, they can be understood. Then steps can be taken to remove these blocks so you can move forward in your life together with your partner.

Activities

Take some time apart to respond to the following statements and questions that follow. Write your answers in your separate notebooks.

1.   Exploring Romantic Illusions and Marital Realities

a.   Review the Romantic Illusions listed earlier in this chapter and select the ones that you brought to your relationship. Write explanations of the ones you selected in your notebook.

b.   Review the listing of Marital Realities and identify which ones you recognize in your marriage now. Write these in your notebook and explain how these realizations have come about.

c.   Briefly explore whether your beliefs and expectations about your partnership have been met.

2.   How Do I Feel about My Marriage Now?

Explore your feelings about the current state of your relationship with your partner. Answer the following questions.

a.   Have there been disappointments? Explain what they are.

b.   What bothers you about conflicts with your partner?

c.   Do you think your love can change your partner?

d.   Is there something your partner finds annoying about you that you wish he or she would just accept?

e.   When you are feeling down or disgruntled, is it usually because of something your partner has done or not done?

f.   Do you ever find yourself wondering why your partner hasn't done anything nice for you lately?

g.   What are some things you would like to have your partner do for you?

h.   Do you wonder whether your partner noticed the last two or three things you did for him or her? How do you feel about his or her taking you for granted?

i.   Do you worry that if you're not always together, the marriage is in jeopardy?

j.   How often have you found yourself wishing your partner could just intuit what you need?

k.   Do you believe that you know your partner so well that you can read what he or she thinks, feels, or desires?

   Sit down together and, in an unhurried way, take turns reading your responses to your partner. Listen carefully, empathically and without interrupting. Remember to use the Guidelines for Safe Communication.

Sharing the Process

Uncensored thoughts are usually the most truthful, so don't agonize over your answers to this exercise. Your replies should be shared verbally, not written out.

Teasing, joking and sarcasm are basically cruel and defeat intimacy; such retorts mock the other partner and distance the person using such measures from a loving connection with his or her partner. They have no place in these activities and dialogues.

Now respond to the following questions together.

• What is the most significant thing you learned about yourself?
• What is the most significant thing you learned about your partner?
• What is the most difficult aspect of sharing your responses?
• What is the most satisfying aspect?

Appreciations

• Share one thing you appreciate about your partner. Be focused and specific. For example, "I really appreciated your honesty when you identified your unmet expectations about our relationship."

Close With–

• Close each Endeavor with a warm hug and a genuine "I love you." Such expression of affection may not always come naturally, especially when the material you've each worked on has brought up difficult or painful issues. However, even if you are not feeling particularly loving at the moment, you are encouraged to express your love for each other anyway. For it is your underlying love, after all, that is fueling this work and will make it succeed in bringing you closer even though you have brought to the surface differing points of view and conflicts.